You’ve probably heard of love languages, but what about apology languages? Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman (the creator of the 5 Love Languages) alongside Dr. Jennifer Thomas, apology languages are the preferred ways that people like to give and receive apologies. By knowing yours, you can learn how to resolve problems in a more effective and meaningful way.
Ready to begin? Hit “Start Quiz” to take a closer look at how you approach conflict.
Questions Overview
1. Whoops! You just broke your sibling’s phone. What’s your response?
- “Could you ever forgive me for breaking your phone screen?”
- “I am so sorry that I broke your screen. I feel terrible about this.”
- “I wasn’t being careful—this is on me. This is tough reminder for me to be more alert.”
- “I’m truly sorry about your phone screen. I’ll pay to have it fixed ASAP.”
2. Your best friend sent you a hurtful text. Which type of apology would you like?
- “What I said was honestly careless and I didn’t think it through.”
- “What can I do to make things right between us?”
- “I feel terrible about what I said. Would you forgive me?”
- “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. In the future, I’ll be extra mindful about what I send.”
3. You and your parents had a bad fight. What do you wish they’d say to you?
- “We feel terribly. We know we must have deeply hurt you.”
- “Could you please forgive us for what we said?”
- “We really regret how we acted. The next time we get frustrated, we promise to get some air.”
- “This is our fault—we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. What can we do to repair our relationship?”
4. Your co-worker missed their deadline. How should they apologize?
- “This is on me. I gave you my word, and I was late.”
- “I never want to do that again. Can we discuss ways I could improve?”
- “I can only imagine the stress you’ve felt, and I’m so sorry for the role I played in it.”
- “There’s no rush to decide, but I would be grateful it if you forgave me.”
5. Your friend said they’d pick you up, but they left you hanging. You’re hoping that they:
- Offer to drive you somewhere else. It’s the least they can do!
- Say how sorry they are for making you wait.
- Take responsibility for what they did or ask for your forgiveness.
- Share what they’ll do to be timelier in the future.
6. Your best friend spilled your big secret. How should they apologize?
- “I’m going to be way more careful in the future. How else can I earn your trust back?”
- “I don’t expect you to decide now, but could you ever forgive me?”
- “I am so sorry for breaking your trust. Words can’t express how awful I feel right now.”
- “I take full responsibility for this. I can’t apologize enough.”
7. You accidentally embarrassed your little sibling in public. How do you apologize?
- “I feel so bad about what happened. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
- “I was careless and said some really hurtful things. I’m truly sorry!”
- “I’m very sorry that I embarrassed you. Next time, I promise to be on my best behavior.”
- “I hope someday you can forgive me for what I did. What can I do in the meantime to make things better?”
8. Oh no! You spilled your drink on someone in the restaurant. What’s your response?
- “Darn! I apologize for this. Let me pay to get your shirt cleaned.”
- “That was completely on me. I feel so terrible about this—I sincerely apologize!”
- “I’m incredibly sorry about this. Could you ever forgive me?”
- “I’m sorry; that was so clumsy of me. I’ll take this as a reminder to be more aware of my surroundings.”
9. Your partner forgot about date night. How do you hope they’ll respond?
- “I can only imagine how hurt you must feel right now. Can you forgive me?”
- “I feel horrible about this. Please tell me what I can do to make it up to you.”
- “I’m going to better organize my schedule so this never ever happens again.”
- “I have no excuse—this is my fault. I can’t believe I forgot about tonight.”
10. You lost your temper with your partner. What does your apology look like?
- “I have no excuse. I didn’t think before I spoke and was pretty rude.”
- “I feel awful about how I acted. I’ll look for ways to control my temper in the future.”
- “I’m very sorry for the way I spoke to you then. Would you forgive me?”
- “I can’t take back what I said, but I’d like to make things right. What can I do?”
11. Your friend made plans with you and then bailed. How should they apologize?
- “I’m so very sorry for wasting your time like that. I feel terrible!”
- “In the future, I’ll make sure to text you when my plans change. Can you forgive me?”
- “I’d like to make this up to you. Can I treat you to lunch this weekend?”
- “I made a commitment that I didn’t follow through on. That’s my fault, and I can’t apologize enough.”
12. Your co-worker shared some mean gossip about you. How should they apologize?
- “I have no excuse for what I said. I know I don’t deserve it, but would you forgive me?”
- “I was being mean and thoughtless—I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to fix this?”
- “I am ashamed about what I said, and I can’t apologize enough.”
- “I’m very sorry. From now on, I won’t take part in workplace gossip.”
More Quizzes
All About Apology Languages
The 5 Apology Languages framework was created by psychologists Dr. Gary Chapman (the creator of the 5 Love Languages framework) and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. By understanding your own apology language and the apology languages of other people in your life, you can approach (and resolve) future conflict in a more informed and effective way. Here’s a closer look at each language:
Expressing Regret
- What it is: Expressing regret involves giving a genuine apology to show how badly you feel about something.
- Sample apology: “I’m so sorry that I spilled my coffee on you. I feel completely awful that you got hurt.”
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How to use it: Share how guilty you feel about hurting someone else, and how unhappy you are that things happened the way that they did. Let’s say that you unintentionally hurt your friend’s feelings in a message you sent—you could express regret by saying “I’m so sorry that my words caused such immense hurt. I feel terrible about how poorly I communicated.”
Accepting Responsibility
- What it is: Accepting responsibility involves owning the consequences of a mistake, and letting the other person know that you understand and accept the part you played in it (without trying to explain away your actions).
- Sample apology: “Hey, this is completely on me—I forgot to turn the headlights off, and it’s my fault that the car battery is dead.”
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How to use it: Directly say what you did wrong without trying to beat around the bush or excuse your actions. Let’s say you accidentally stained your sibling’s favorite shirt—you could say something like “This is completely my fault. I wasn’t careful while I was eating, and I messed up your shirt in the process.”
Planning Change
- What it is: Planning change involves sharing how you plan to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
- Sample apology: “I’m so sorry I forgot to reply to your text yesterday. In the future, I’ll do my best to reply to your texts as soon as I get them so I don’t keep you waiting.”
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How to use it: Take responsibility for what you did wrong, and explain exactly what you plan on doing differently in the future. Let’s, for example, say that you forgot to pick up your sibling from soccer practice. You could say “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to pick you up—I have no excuse for being late. In the future, I’ll set a reminder in my phone so I’m always there to pick you up on time.”
Making Restitution
- What it is: Making restitution involves apologizing through actions. Instead of just saying I’m sorry, this apology language revolves around demonstrating how sorry you are.
- Sample apology: “I’m so sorry that I forgot to pick you up from work. Could I pick you up from work tomorrow?”
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How to use it: Look for an opportunity to make things right with the person you wronged. Let’s say you accidentally ate your partner’s leftovers in the refrigerator—you could offer to buy them a replacement meal, or make them their favorite meal in repayment. When making restitution, it helps to know what the other person’s love language is, and look for a way to fix things using that language.
Requesting Forgiveness
- What it is: Requesting forgiveness involves passing the future of the relationship to the other party. Instead of looking for ways to make things right, you give the other person as much time as they need to heal and think things over.
- Sample apology: “I’m so sorry about the hurtful things I said last night. Could you ever forgive me?”
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How to use it: Ask someone for forgiveness directly to take responsibility for how you’ve made them feel. Make sure to phrase it as a question—“Forgive me” and “Could you forgive me?” have two very different tones. Try to save requests of forgiveness for especially serious situations, like a fight with a partner; if you’re constantly asking for forgiveness, it won’t seem as sincere.
Want to learn more?
Want to take a deeper dive into the world of apology languages? Here are a few excellent resources to help you get started:
